Recipe: Trump's America (Taco and Slaw)
Hey all, I got a book coming out soon
so, I gotta make a social media presence, so ya know what? Let's do
this. Ah'm postin' stuff! Today we're gonna make something delicious,
and because I want to attract and trigger as many people as possible,
we're gonna call this recipe-
TRUMP'S AMERICA!
It um... why is it called that? Um...
Well it has pork because we republicans are pigs, it all can be made
on the cheap because tax cuts, it has a taco because appropriating is
fun, pico that isn't fully done because -well because I already said
it, appropriating is fun, even more fun if you screw it up!- cheddar
cheese because my president is orange, and it taste good because
Trump's America is AWESOME! The slaw is- because you're all fat and
you need more fruits and veggies. (Look down, I'm not wrong am I?
Shame. Especially if you're a woman. -To anyone not savy, that is a joke on feminism. To anyone triggered because of that-good.-)
Alright, first let's lay out our
ingredients:
Slaw:
Really there's nothing precise about
making slaw I've discovered. It's like a gender, mix and match
however you want. (Me, I identify as an omni sexual triceratops.)
This time I went with two apple
quarters, an ounce and a half of crasins and a small carrot stick.
So that's...
2oz carrot
1.5oz crasins (ransined cranberries
basically, but normal rasins work just fine.)
3oz apple slices
Tacos:
This is likely not a recipe from
Mexico, if that bothers you... why? Have you tried a real Mexican
taco, made in Mexico? Well, this is kinda like that, it's just not
made in a ***t hole country. If you live in a ***t hole country,
leave it. (Immigrate here if you like, but please do it legally or
we'll throw you in jail and your kids in what looks like a summer
camp with all the amenities-so its a concentration camp! (they do
have to concentrate on that math homework after all)-.)
Pico-
2oz onion
2oz tomato
2oz green pepper
Flour mix-
1 tablespoon flour
1 teaspoon sweet and smokey seasoning
½ teaspoon applewood seasoning
(alts= 1 tsp Cajun seasoning or 1 tsp
chilli powder with ½ tsp salt)
Taco-
Pico
Cooked meat (6oz uncooked)
1.5 oz cheddar cheese
Let's start by making that slaw.
Out come the crasins and we just drop
them in the bowl. If you want to raisin-ify cranberries from
scratch... good luck with that. I just bought mine pre-made.
Out comes the carrot, like a finger
from Trump.
Best option for cutting this sucker up
is just to use a cheese grater and shred that puppy directly into the
bowl.
Next comes the apple, because apples
are delicious (fight me!).
Chop that sucker up, I first cut a
quarter slice into about six slices, then turn the two stacks of
three on their side and just chop away. The result should look like
this:
Drop that in your bowl and mix it up.
Congrats, now you have
TRUMP SLAW!
(I don't know, cause it's
orange.)
Now, let's get to that cultural
appropriation and make those tacos!
Me, I like to make things a little
easy on myself on cutting the meat. I just pull out the scissors.
(They are cooking scissors, I clean them. Don't use your kids' safety
scissors please.)
Personally, this could be pork chop or
pork loin or really any cut, save for ham it's probably all going to
taste similar, just varying degrees of toughness.
Take our scissors and-
voilà! You have
your murder, I mean meat! (RIP Wilbur. Charlotte spelled stuff
wrong.)
To cook up your pork you'll need to
put it in some white flour.
Mixing up your white flour with other
colors to make our brown mix goes like this-
Tablespoon white flour (majority)
Apple wood, kinda a light brown color.
Little sweat and smokey, kinda red.
Mix it up-
Then call up the KKK, Black Panthers
and NAACP and tell them however they want to do it, doesn't matter,
segregation is for chumps. (If any of that offended you, seriously
think about what I said and realize how little it takes to upset you.
Do you even disagree with me? Yet you're still offended. That's sad.)
Toss your meat in this big racial
amalgamation
And there, it all comes out better when
it's mixed. When stuff is isolated, it's just not as good. Ingredient
purity is for chumps.
Throw that in your pan and let it cook
while you work on your next bit of appropriation.
I took pictures for this too, but my
phone threw them away. So in summary, take your green pepper, onion
and tomato and slice them once length wise, turn them on their side
and slice them length wise again. Now chop them width wise a bunch of
times (the number doesn't matter). Slice your pepper three times long
ways and then just chop it a bunch of time width wise (how many,
again doesn't matter).
Finally, mix those up.
By this point the meat should be done
cooking. Check it and make sure it isn't still red or pink, you want
it completely browned.
Throw together your cheese and taco-
And then everything else:
Honestly this is pretty easy.
Slaw:
2 oz carrot
1.5 oz crasins (ransined cranberries
basically, but normal rasins work just fine.)
3 oz apple slices
Use cheese grator to shred carrot into
bowl. Chop apple and then add the chopped apple and your crasins in
with your carrots. Mix.
Taco:
Pico
1.5oz cheddar cheese
1 taco shell
Chop up six oz of meat. Toss in flour
mix and cook in skillet until thoroughly browned. Add meat, cheese
and pico to taco shell.
Flour Mix-
Mix
1 tbsp flour
1 tsp sweet and smokey seasoning
½ tsp apple wood seasoning
(You can substitute cajun seasonings
or chilli powder and salt -this will change the flavor quite a bit
but when you change what makes something, you change what it is,
stuff like this isn't fluid.)
Pico-
2 oz green pepper
2 oz tomato
2 oz onion
Chop green pepper, tomato and onion.
Mix.
Comments
Post a Comment